Deep Second Thoughts, from David

Dear Galaxy, From Becks

dear-john.jpgDear Galaxy:

This is a very difficult letter to write.

I know that you have spent the past five months making plans for our future together. You have arranged your life around me, and to tell the truth, I’m flattered. But you have to admit, you always knew that this moment might come.

When we met, I was on the rebound. My last girlfriend, the love of my life, had stomped on my heart. I have never felt so low. And so I genuinely appreciated the attention. Plus I loved all of the presents and money you gave me, too! They made me feel special again. And they guaranteed that I could continue to afford the lifestyle to which I’d become accustomed, with, y’know, private jets and $14,000 watches and houses on multiple continents and everything.

Also, when I was just a dump-ee, guys like Tom and Katie and Jennifer and Mark didn’t want to hang out with me. And Fabio Capello wouldn’t even give me the time of day. But with you…well, everyone could see that I was wanted, which made them desire my company. You have no idea how much I appreciate your making me popular again.

But Galaxy, I think you’ve always known that you were the pursuer in this relationship. I don’t want to sound like a cad, but you’ve always loved and needed me more than I loved and needed you. And now that my last girlfriend has said she wants to patch things up… Well, I’m sorry. In the immortal words of Woody Allen, “The heart wants what it wants.” (Okay, yeah, so he was shagging his step-daughter at the time, but still. It applies.)

But know that I’ll still be available for the occasional quickie when she doesn’t need me, okay? Oh, and one more thing. This is a very delicate subject, but… Do you think you could keep the money spigot open and flowing freely? Because…well…she doesn’t have the means to fork over any cash, and…um…to be honest, I need it.

And try to understand: It’s not you. It’s me.

Love[no] Respect[no] Affection[no]Sincerely,

David